I’ve Been Thinking Of You All The While

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with death. It means that I will have to say my final goodbyes but it also means that they wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

So, which one do I choose?  To say my goodbyes or keep praying that god doesn’t take them away too soon. Truthfully, I don’t know.

Honestly, death changes everyone and everything. Doesn’t matter if you were close with that person or not. Doesn’t matter if they were your mum, sister, aunt, grandmother, or just anyone. It changes you and shapes you into who you are today.

Just like change, death is inevitable as well. It clears out the old to make way to the new.

It makes you question everything. Why was God so cruel to snatch someone who you love so much? How do you heal that empty space you seem to have in your heart? And most importantly, how do you get past the pain and void?

The beginning is always hard. Especially the first few months. You start realising the small things that mattered. Those random phones calls you get when he/she asks you how is work treating you? Or how was school? Or just those phones calls on special occasions like birthdays. You start missing them. You regret those days when you were too tired to give them a call and say that you missed them or you love them, or those special occasions like Father’s Day when you wanted to wish your dad but you forget it and only remember it the next day. Lesson learned: Pick up your phone and give them a call. You may never know which day is your last one.

I’ve lost many people in life but I don’t think that I will ever be able to move on from my father’s in 2018. The fact that I knew what was going on, just magnified the pain.

After sometime, the pain does go away. It’s not that it gets easier. It just gets more manageable.

I still remember the day I lost my dad. I was at work when my sister came and inform me about the tragedy and that I won’t be at work for the next couple of days. I was so calm and collected until after I spoke to my boss about it, the next minute, I was a crying heap on the floor. I couldn’t stop crying. It just kept flowing.

I was watching an old favorite tv show (TVD) come to an end and then there was this quote which Elena said and I had to add into this article, it goes like this:

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak. In death comes peace, but pain is the cost of living like love, its how we know we’re alive. Peace exists. It lives in everything we hold dear. That is the promise of peace, that one day after a long life, we find each other again. Till then, life goes on.

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Astrid Perez is a 30-something madness with stardust around her eyes and a pen name. Her writing strives to give people permission to take up space in the world as their multifaceted, complex, human selves. Her soul is happiest when she is reading, or being around people who lift up her spirits.

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